Citizen Dildo
Late Afternoon Wood

Fap - A word used to indicate the sound of masturbating. Often repeated and/or emphasized depending on how much the subject matter appeals to the typer.

Morning Wood

Did you know that DVDA is not some kind of Alpha style DVD.

DVDA is a porn term that means Double Vaginal Double Anal.

Ouch.

Here are some screen shots from the new porn that I have been enjoying lately. Staring Iron Man and Brooke Burke. Review to follow!

FACT: Watching porn is easier than reviewing porn

For my first porn review I selected Batman XXX for one simple reason. I love Batman. I might even love Batman more than I love pornography. Usually, I will not sit down and watch a full porn movie simply because at first it is impossible to keep my hand off my crotch and then it becomes impossible to keep my finger off of the fast forward button. It was a combination of my love for Batman and just the general excitement that I had in writing a review that inspired me to watch the entire Porn Batman saga. To the Batcave!

I was shocked and impressed with how similar it all felt to the original 60s series that starred everyone’s favorite Mayor, Adam West. Even the music was pretty much on point. Usually porn music is the most ridiculous thing in the production followed closely by the acting but the scenery, music, and even Commissioner Gordon were actually enjoyable. I think the corny dialogue and campy colors worked with this porn film thought because that’s what the Adam West Batman was all about.

Within the first 2 minutes we were introduced to Dynamic Duo of dick playing four separate chess games when they learn of the Riddler’s plot to kill Batman and Robin by kidnapping Bruce Wayne’s girlfriend.Evan Stone’s depiction of the Riddler character was great. For me it was highlighted by his little green slippers that I laughed at but definitely not did not jerk off to. He was running around and doing little hops much like the original TV Riddler. His first riddle was one that I am still pondering, “When is a pussy like a flower? When it has two lips!” That doesn’t make any sense. I think they could have started it off with a better porn riddle. I did enjoy Robin’s holy viagra, holy pop-shot, and holy blowjob quotes.

As the movie continued we were introduced to Randy Spears as the Joker. He had a three way with two of his henchwomen which was a pretty great scene as well. To this day I still won’t understand why his pubes were not green but hey, we don’t watch porn for the pubes now do we. The three way  was highlighted by Andy San Dimas saying how she loves to lick The Joker’s balls and whatnot, obviously she’s a pretty big Batman fan. Of course at the end of that scene the Joker so promptly says “Now remember to smile when you take the load!” Classic Joker.

The porn ends with Catwoman getting double teamed by Batman and Robin. As she goes to clean the heroic cum off her face and get ready to return to Arkham, she cleverly pushes a button and drops a net onto our heroes. They are trapped and who knows what will happen to them. The final screen reads “The End?”

The campy style of porn meshes perfectly with the campy style of the Batman series that they drew influence from, but both the sex and the production leave something to be desired. Pretty good porn, but a better Batman. 4 out of 5 tissue boxes.

Happy July 4th to all my new followers out there. Let us use this day to remember the important things in life such as the first amendment, BBQs, and of course the phallic images of our freedom!
Tomorrow I will post my Batman XXX review so until then please enjoy this sexy image that I have posted for you.

Happy July 4th to all my new followers out there. Let us use this day to remember the important things in life such as the first amendment, BBQs, and of course the phallic images of our freedom!

Tomorrow I will post my Batman XXX review so until then please enjoy this sexy image that I have posted for you.

Citizen Dildo Porn Review Blog Issue #1 (A Tutorial)

The title says it all. I will not drone on about what my qualifications are, but trust me when I say they are plentiful. Basically I watch porn all the time and I think it’s fun and goofy to talk about it and review it so I started this log. I will post my musings on the porn industry and adult videos that I watch and of course jerk-off to. I will critique everything from homemade RedTube stuff to AVN award winning smut. Since this is the first post on my porn page I will just go over some of the borderline fun and definitely un-sexy things that will be happening here.

The first thing that must be known is that I will be grading everything by using an intricate system of Tissue Boxes as points. For instance a great performance or movie will receive an impressive 5 out of 5 tissue boxes, meaning that I was sporting a healthy erection the entire time. i.e. “I laughed, I cried, I jerked-off. 5 out out 5 tissue boxes!” Conversely, a film that was terrible or a very uninspired performance will receive a woeful 0 out of 5 tissue boxes. I will distribute tissue boxes based on a number of elements that will be explained in the actual post and trust me these tissue boxes will have to be earned.

There will also be sections called Morning Wood and The Weekly Erection. The Morning Wood section will give you a little known porn fact or term for your burning little mind to have fun with. The Weekly Erection will spotlight my favorite pornstar, scene, or even position of the week. Kind of like ESPN Sportscenter Webgems, but for sex.

Now I know this first post has been boring and has contained really nothing other than references to my masturbation habits but stick with me (pun intended). Some of the best things in this world start with a nice and easy tutorial.

My first review will be of Batman XXX: A Porn Parody. Directed by Axel Braun (director of This Ain’t Star Trek XXX2). I find it funny that porn movies are all campy and basically terrible to begin with, but they still feel the need to do parodies. Randy Spears as The Joker, finally! Review coming soon…